Hello Everyone my name is Tam and I’m starting this blog in hopes to provide awareness and conversation to break the silence and to also support others experiencing pregnancy and Infant loss. Let me first say that I am so terribly sorry of you are here as a parent that is part of this club that no one asks to join, but I am glad that you are here and I hope we can connect. If you are here because you are supporting someone else or trying to help break the silence than THANK you and welcome!
Let me tell you a little about me and our story. We were so excited to find out we were pregnant in January 2009, and everything seemed to be going perfectly up until the first week of May when I was 22 weeks and I developed Eclampsia and became very sick and went into labour, Our daughter Emma was born on May 7, 2009 and passed away 3 hours later in my arms.
Since Emmas passing I went through every emotion possible and experienced extreme depression and anxiety and my life as I knew it was completely changed in every way. I had a lot of guilt feelings like should I have done something differently? Why did this have to happen to her? How do I live when my baby is not here?? Am I alone in this world now?? Because at the time it felt like I was the only one that was going through this and family and friends just didn’t understand what I was going through. I promised my daughter that I would help others and that I would always honour her and that she would never be forgotten as long as I live. Since than we have tried to expand our family again and have experienced further heartache through failed adoption and miscarriage through our fertility journey.
I want to come together with anyone else who is feeling alone and going through this terrible time of grief. I am so sorry and please know you are not alone and please feel free to reach out to me anytime through email@example.com. I will be back again soon!
much love to everyone!
October is pregnancy and infant loss awareness month and. This october I have bern following CarlyMaries capture you grief project. I took this from my Facebook post and thought it would be good to post here as well to educate others, and let other loss parents know they are not alone on this.
Sometimes there are things said from friends, loved ones or even strangers that can leave us feeling hurt rather than help. I like to think that the intentions set out from these people are not to hurt us but word said because they don’t know how to react or help in the moment.
What I can say is phrases like “ everything happens for a reason” “ there is always a plan, maybe it just wasn’t meant to be” or “ you’re young there is lots of time for you to try again” are possibly meant as well meaning to help, however , are actually hurtful to someone who has experienced child loss.
I would find myself very angry and alone and felt like people just don’t get it and were just being intentionally hurtful for a very long time. Recently I do find myself trying to focus on the fact that these people that may say hurtful things aren’t bad people and likely aren’t trying to hurt others, and just aren’t able to understand and just don’t know until they know.
The reason that I am writing this post is instead to help others to maybe understand how to respond to a loved one and what may be more helpful.
Instead of saying “ everything happens for a reason” try saying instead “ I am sorry this happened and I don’t know why this happened to you. I am here to listen and I’m here for you if you need anything”
Instead of saying “ you’re young , you can always try again you have lots of time” understand that not everyone is able to have more children and some have so much difficulty even conceiving that baby that was loved oh so much. Also that even if there is another baby , it will NEVER replace the one that Is lost. Try saying “ I am sorry that you lost your baby/ child, I known how much they meant to you and how much you loved and wanted them to be here “
Instead of “ it wasn’t meant to be, there is always a plan “ you’re baby had a purpose and a reason for being here. I hope you can find peace and I will be thinking of your family” .
When in doubt don’t be afraid to say I’m sorry and that you don’t know the words to say. Sometimes the best support is just to be there, to check in once in a while and not run away. Say their child’s name and don’t be afraid to talk to them.
I want to share and reach out to you all so that others don’t feel like they are alone because no one should ever feel like this. So again after months of preparation and treatments we again received the news that we are not pregnant once again.
We took this news very hard and I literally didn’t know how to think or what to do. Honestly the first reaction I had was that I felt like a failure and we were back to square one now. I was missing the opportunity we would have and, the dreams that we had for our future and children felt like it was now dead once again.
Some people that did know about this really didn’t understand and basically all over again it was the “ you can try again” “ there can always be another time” and ” it wasnt meant to be right now” or even get this ” well maybe your body didn’t react properly to the baby”. Not realizing that this is not helpful, this actually made me feel super alone and upset and made me fall into a super period of depression. I’m sure any of you that have been through child loss or infertility know how these comments affect us. I remember thinking but keeping to myself “ yea another time of a million injections, high risk appointments, and high anxiety that something will happen to me or my baby again” and also thinking just one more roadblock to get to my dream. I completely shut down at that point and literally sat in bed for 5 days and felt horrible and more alone than ever. I remember it almost like when I lost my daughter but not as severe or long and really blamed myself and wanted to give up. So please if you are here as a friend of someone going through this please realize that it is not that easy to just “ try again” and it is very difficult to open up again. At this time we need support and a good friend, not advice at this time.
I want to say to all of you out there , that none of this is any of your fault and you are not alone. I know that sometimes the “what if” statements that can sometimes run through our heads at times and this can lead us to make us think that somehow these things our all our fault. We all do the best we can if it’s infertility and difficulty conceiving or if you have experienced pregnancy or infant loss or even both this is not something we can control as difficult as it can be. Don’t ever give up on a dream of a family if that is what you want.
This is why I am so passionate about helping others and I so badly want to have us link together and although this is a club no one wants to be apart of, we need to stick together and support each other and rise up. I wish there was more people to understand and more research or help. I’ve decided that I am going to be crocheting items for the Nicu and write to other moms to try and start a community around here. I will also be speaking at a conference in Nov to share my story as well and will be continuing our journey along so many others.
If I’m not the only one feeling alone please reach out so we can talk together, I’d love to hear from you
Sending all my love and positive vibes to you my friend xo
Having kids is as natural part of life for so many people and something that just comes as it’s supposed to. However, what happens for those where that’s not the case and people are left struggling and fighting for what they want so desperately in their lives: a child to raise.
Our story is different than most. We have had a lot of struggles and hardships inn trying to grow our family and the fight continues. After we lost our first daughter and had struggles with depression, anxiety, constant marriage struggles. After things had settled down and we finally put our hearts on the line again we decided to venture into the world of adoption. We were blessed with a little girl for 6 months and before the adoption could finalize they decided to place with family instead and the adoption had failed. Again our world had crashed down on us again. What do we do now? We just wanted to start our family and it had proven to be so difficult. After this we than experience an early miscarriage and again or hearts were broken. This brings us to now, this day and our fight continues.
We took time to work on ourselves and grow separately and rejoined and rebuilt our life again. We spend a couple years together again before venturing to thinking of kids again. When we did it turned out that there were more concerns than we thought. With the effects of pre eclampsia on by body affecting my heart and the medication that I am now on, it is going to be very night risk for us during a pregnancy again. It involves many specialists, fertility specialists, cardiologists, more medications etc.
We made the decision after talking to many doctors and specialists and long talks between each other and decided to keep our options open and start the fertility process and also start a homestudy in the hopes of also adopting one day. It has taken a huge toll on our relationship, and taken a lot for both of us to work together and work things out. My depression and anxiety has taken a forefront and has seemed to take over at the moment due to all the medications I need to take as my body has decided to stop producing the hormones it needs to have another baby.
I keep telling myself that I need to take it one day at a time and take it one day at a time for now and it will all be worth it in the end when we get a second chance to have a happy healthy baby in our arms. So for now we take it one day at a time and see what the future has in store for us.
Well lately it has been a rough go and for all the others out there that are going through infertility and loss I am so sorry.
After me and my husband had our daughter and has so many complications it was clear there was something wrong. After looking into further the pre eclampsia I had caused my heart to start to fail and have complications. It was the beginning of a heart aneurysm as well and not looking good. After my daughter was born and the medication took effect this went away and I was fine, although she was born too early to survive at that point.
Moving ahead a few years we are ready to try again and start a family that we have wanted for so long. Little did we know that this was going to be m0re difficult than we expected and that a huge rollercoaster of emotions would happen all over again.
When we went to the doctor fully expecting them to be able to work with us as a high risk pregnancy. Expecting them to be putting forth a plan to keep us safe, whether or not that meant a stay in hospital to monitor closely due to my heart condition. This was not the cse however and we were faced with difficult decisions that no one should ever have to make.
We found out that the heart condition that I have can actually be fatal and that there is no real monitoring that can be done but if my heart can’t take the pressure of pregnancy it can hurt a major blood vessel, and if this happens, most likely is fatal. There is however a chance that nothing will happen either and that everything is fine, but that chance we are risking is of death. So ultimately we need to make a tough decision to either go through with a extremely high risk pregnancy , or , give up and look for other options. Honestly this is such an impossible decision to make. I think that I don’t want my.heart to give out and I’m terrified at that thought. However, I’m terrified at the thought of giving up on the thought of never having a family here to raise. Often I think why after all the loss and emotions and heartache we have aready experiences why can’t this just be easy??
I know many people will think maybe it’s insane to even be thinking about going through with it again when we could just try to adopt again. Ideally yes, I would absolutely love to adopt, but in reality it’s just not that simple and, we have already experienced such loss through adoption too when our adoption failed. Just not sure if it is right for us and our hearts at this time.
So on we go to appointment after appoinment to figure out how to make a dream of growing our family a reality in which ever may be the best choice for our family and we pray that the answers may come in time.
With Easter here it bring up a lot of emotions for us and sometimes we need to realize when we are not okay. As much as I am proud to honour my daughter in any way I can, and as much as I try to be positive, sometimes I’m not okay.
It isn’t fair that there are millions of people that are pregnant or have their children and families and we don’t have ours here. It’ not fair that there are people that get pregnant by “surprise” and others try for years for their.
After secondary infertility and going through treatment and being told to ” be strong” and have faith and be positive. Truely I always really felt horrified and depressed, and I am really not “okay” but tried to put on a brave face and always reply ” I’m Okay”. Why do we do this when it’s furthest from the truth?
It’ not okay that I am suffering through fertility treatment after fertility treatment and yet the couple next to us just finds out they are pregnant.
It’s not okay that we have had to watch out child pass that we loved oh so very much and would do anything for and yet there are children out there that are being abused right now and has no safe place to sleep.
So no.. I’m not okay and that is okay. It doesn’t make someone any less strong to ask for help and say ” I’m not Okay”. Because the truth is. Sometimes life is not fair and sometimes we are allowed to just not be okay for just a little while.
So as a child loss mama the question “How many kids do you have ” when asked can often be an internal struggle for many of us.
I know this is an honest conversation starter and many people use this to make “small talk” with people they are getting to know. What happens though when the small talk turns into a big internal struggle to someone who has lost a child?
The other day I was at work and I was asked the question actually by someone I did know but haven’t worked with so much as she asked me if we have kids or want kids. My answer to that was oh yes we want lots of kids. The other person left the room at that time to go tend to something so I carried on the conversation by telling her about my Emma and that she had passed away. I felt comfortable talking to her at that moment so the answer was easy.
What happens though when it isn’t so. Mama I know how hard it is when this is asked in line at a grocery store, on a bus, or in a situation where you don’t know the person and it can be literally an internal struggle. Do I tell them about my child that died? Or do I not to spare the awkwardness in their response but later feel guilty? Mama you don’t ever need to feel guilty. Your baby loved you no matter what and knows you care and love them. Sometimes you need to chose who is worthy of knowing your sweet little one and who you share their precious story with, because not everyone will treat them and react in a way that will honour them. However, do share them as much as you can with the ones that Will!
For anyone hear that would like to share your precious little one with me I would love to learn not an out them! Feel free to always feel welcome to leave a comment or email.
I watched the movie wonder the other day and it really inspired me to write a blog post. The movie was about a little boy born with a facial deformity and follows him though a period of time where he goes to school. Without spoiling anything the boy goes though a really rough time, and was bullied severely due to ” how he looked”.
It blows my mind that people can really be so nasty sometimes and have to base interactions on how someone looks. I have witnessed on many occasions bullying of different kinds, and each time I stand up the best I can to stop it from happening. See I believe and since having my daughter whole heartedly that as doctor Seuss says ” A person is a person. No matter how small”.
To me it does not matter what someone looks like; how tall, slim, colour of their hair, religion, age, gender, nationality etc because in reality we are all just the same and we all all PEOPLE. what matters is someone’s heart and actions. I remember when my daughter was born and people actually told me ” well it’s better off this way sometimes, what if she ended up with disabilities”. Well to me I say that’s just appalling that someone can actually look at someone and think that way. I think SO WHAT she is still a person that needs and deserves love. EVERYONE deserve love on this earth and including these people who just really need to be educated on this I believe on how actions and words can really truely affect someone.
I don’t know how to change the world, and I know we cannot change other people. However, maybe, just maybe, if each person just poured a little love into someone and gave people a chance to know them, maybe slowly the world might start to shift. So if your reading this, try an act of kindness today, even something small and maybe we can shift the world one person at a time. It only takes one person, and who knows how much of a difference a small act can have on a person’s day!
Each and every one of you are “wonders” and unique in our own way! Don’t ever forget that no matter who you are! There is evil in the world but what I chose to focus on is love! So as I close this blog, rememer that you are beautiful and you are worth It!